This is a problem I’ve had since childhood. I can’t trust myself with things. It gets to the point where I’m afraid to handle other people’s things because I might drop them and break them. I have a calendar event on my work laptop that goes off every 15 minutes to check to see if what I’m doing is productive because I can’t trust myself to not get lost in some minuscule task. Yak shaving is a serious problem I’ve been working on. I’ve gotten a lot better, but I still have to stay mindful.
The point is: I don’t trust myself. I don’t have confidence in my skills and I don’t believe deep down that I deserve respect from myself or from others.
The root of this problem goes back pretty far but I’m not here to talk about how I lost any love for myself. I’m here to talk about how I’m slowly, step by step, getting it back.
Well, I’m doing dishes.
I don’t mean doing other people’s dishes. I’m doing my own dishes as soon as I’m done with them. End of the night at the latest. I used to wait till I had a full load for the dishwasher and then scrub everything. Sometimes I would have to do two loads. Or I’d wait till I had no plates and got sick of drive-thru burgers. Cleaning wasn’t a habit.
But I promised myself after the last time I ran the cleaning gauntlet that I would get better. I would do the dishes every night and I would clean up the living room before I went to bed. Well, that was a week ago.
My kitchen has stayed free of dirty dishes. My living room only has a few gardening things and a small stack of envelopes. The small amount of cleaning I’m doing every night has become a habit.
I need to add a weekly cleaning schedule to it, but I’ve got a good habit developing. And I can trust myself to continue doing the dishes every night.
That’s one more thing I can trust myself to do.
There’s little better for your self trust than developing good little habits. Second to that is breaking bad little habits. My next goal is stop eating out (except special occasions, of course).
Maybe sometime soon I’ll be able to break some of my bad big habits and trust myself to stick to it.